So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
