the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
