I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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