the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
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its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.