And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
