You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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