I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.