I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I deserve to be covered in dicks
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
