He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
