I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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