I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
