I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
