I'm lost and stupid without you.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
