So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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