isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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