Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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