I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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