She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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