its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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