he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
