So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
