Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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