and she was petting her beer can
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
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Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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