Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Dear god my vagina.
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