I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize