i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Drake has all the answers
i think i just lost a toe
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
