Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
