i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
