Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
