I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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