I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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