I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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