when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
