I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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