:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
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Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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