He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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