just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
