He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
