I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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