Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
