what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
