2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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