I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
