Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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