I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
