Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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