Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
