what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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