I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
