If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
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i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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