So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
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