No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Randomize
