I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
